2016.
I can't even bring myself to say that it was a bad year, despite the many celebrity and family/friend deaths, despite the fact that the words two-thousand-sixteen has almost become a cuss word for most people. 2016 has been a most weird year for me.
Yeah, weird. Weird unusual occurrences, things that kind of stand out in the spectrum of my life this past year.
I ended 2015 with a divorced babydaddy womanizer type of guy I didn't have business messing with in the first place. So what. Perpetual loneliness takes you to some crazy, unnecessary places. I needed the company. I'm getting to a point in my life where I can admit my mistakes yet at the same time, pick out the good in unsavory situations or people. So at least in messing with this character, I started 2016 by climbing Stone Mountain on New Year's day, almost dying in the process. Despite this, dude wasn't impressed. It didn't matter though. I did it. I was near tears, out of breath, cold and sore, but I did it. Kind of like a precursor to what my year would be like. A triumphant ascension, only to come back down to reality.
Later that week, I had a job interview. Three weeks later, just as I thought I wasn't selected for the position, I got the call that I did in fact land the job. My happiness was through the roof. After six agonizing months at a job where I was making much less money, I finally made it happen for myself by landing back at Northside Hospital. The first few months at said job was like a honeymoon. Sure, I was doing work that I had never done before, but this fact didn't faze me. After all, in the past, I've adjusted and perfected any other job I've held. After all, I made it through a baptismal of fire through my many years at Cincinnati Children's and survived a hellish year and a half at my first Northside position. This new gig should be a piece of cake.
Lo and behold, what I didn't know is that I would be gradually knocked down a peg or two in my new position. For the first time, I felt truly confused at this job, with its onslaught of unfamiliar insurance terminology, complicated rules and processes, and savvier, younger, more educated coworkers who seemed to catch on so much more quickly. All of a sudden, I'm the question asker instead of the question answerer. Feeling so overwhelmed; stressing out over the amount of unfinished work at the end of a day. Initially, I thought that my superior customer service skills would compensate for my lack of skills. It did and still does make up for my lack of knowledge sometimes, but I learned good customer service goes only so far. It took me a while to realize that the problem isn't me at all, but our management and their lack of proper training. Yet still, I was (and still am) grateful to have a job to go to, a job where I'm getting paid much more than I was this very time last year. Still, it has me yearning for the organized solid simplicity of Cincinnati Children's every day.
Anyhow, I trudged through the spring with good, positive thoughts. In April, a good friend set me up on a blind date so bad that I haven't really talked to her about it, LOL The date was so bad and awkward that it was over in under two hours and all I could do is laugh. Being who I am, I didn't judge the man by the fact he was 48, unmarried with no children because people judge me just as harshly for being 38, unmarried with no children. Next time, I will totally judge and take better heed to warning signs and red flags. A shout-out to my homegirl. He's your husband's friend, but he has no social skills and he smelled funky! You tried and I appreciate it!
Fast-forward to May, when who used to be one of my best friends offers to take me to Vegas for my birthday. Best, most expensive, most opulent gift I've ever been given, birthday or otherwise. Long story short, it was the best time of my life, really. My first time out west. I actually saw the Grand Canyon with my own eyes, although it was from the plane. Such a good trip, that I'm already planning to go again next year. Except that this "friend" won't be there. A great friendship of many years, destroyed by the friends with benefits situation, over and done with because I dared to want more. Ladies, if you're hanging out with you and doesn't want his friends and family on Facebook to see you in pictures with him...he is not your friend nor your lover. A man can spend thousands of dollars on you and not care about you at all. Another valuable yet painfully stinging lesson I've learned this year. Just now, the depression over has been lifting. Because I thought he was the one. But the one will love you, regardless of what others say and think about you. Love and relationships should never be forced. Perhaps maybe, someone will love me more than I love him, more than I love myself.
So by the end of the summer and fall, I'm in pretty bad shape mentally. The man that I adore doesn't love me back and I'm at a unfulfilling job that sucks little pieces of my soul away daily. The urge to give up was incredibly strong. But there has always been that little glimmer of hope within me, no matter what. The highlight of all of this was gaining and meeting my precious new niece; my brother's first and only child. What a pleasure and joy it will be watching her grow up and getting to know her. I thank God for blessing my siblings with children of their own. Only He knows if I will ever be blessed in the same manner. Until then, I have my precious nieces and nephews to spoil and love on.
I can honestly say I enjoyed time with my family this past Thanksgiving and Christmas. When all else fails, I have them by my side. Uneventful, but blessed because I know there are people out there without a family at all.
I must stick it out at my current job. It's the only way I know I'm going to Vegas next year. The best thing about this job is being able to take time off when needed. I already know they're going to approve the week and a half off I requested for next June. I know that if I did get a new job, chances are good that I'd be on some type of 90-day probation and working right through my birthday. Not having it. Amazing what we'll tolerate for that coveted prize.
Despite my year of weird and unusual ups and downs, I did one other thing that was completely out of the ordinary.
I applied to Kennesaw State University. About a week ago, as a matter of fact. This one simple act has made me so happy because I know this is the first step in me proactively changing my life for the better. When someone addresses me as Dr. Bristol about ten years from now, a single soul won't be able to take credit for it. It will be me, the one who made that decision at the end of 2016. I'll be starting the fall semester in August 2017! I have yet to be accepted: but it is already written and I have claimed it.
What made me decide to pursue a college career some twenty years after dropping out? I'll tell you. I'm tired of being a gofer for the educated. I'm tired of being at the bottom of the totem pole. I'm tired of watching my own talents go untapped. Tired of scraping by. Tired of being the slower, older coworker at a deaf-end job with no chance of advancement. I'm tired of being viewed as an expendable, unappreciated, and disrespected pawn in corporate America. Sure, I'm certain that even some highly educated people experience the same thing in a different realm. But at least those folks have something to fall back on; whereas I do not. I'm leaning toward psychology/counseling with an emphasis on sex therapy.
Wild, ain't it!?! They say, do what you like. Well, at least I can help people out in an area that truly interests and fascinates me. So in about ten years' time, you can bring your problems to my door (perhaps my own private practice!). And I will listen with an open mind as well as an open heart.
I end this year with dreams of seeing my very own degrees neatly hung on the wall of my very own office in the future.
I end this year, going into next year not focusing so much on my single status as I'm prone to doing. Next year, hopefully I'll be way too busy to even think about snagging a significant other. All I can and will do is focus on myself and continue being the absolute best person I can be, as I have been.
I end this year with the confidence to fly alone to Vegas for my birthday next year. I envision myself in the Bellagio; eating, drinking, playing a few slots and buying a lot of souvenirs. The thought scares me a little, going all alone. But the thought of all the fun and sun and Vegas lights overrides my fear. And I think I'll check out that Grand Canyon close and personal this time. And that I'll be in St. Lucia for my 40th birthday. Passport time!
I end this year realizing that my mistakes don't define who I am, but the fact that I'm learning from my mistakes and making better choices as a result.
I end this year realizing that God isn't withholding blessings from me as I previously thought. It is Satan, weaseling his way into my life and creating strife. I realize that he loves it when I'm unhappy or feeling bitter; he thrives off of this. This too, will change.
I will end this year alone in solitude. I may go to church, but I somehow know I need to be alone. Time for silent reflection, positive prayers for all I will be and all I will accomplish in 2017. Perhaps a couple glasses of champagne and go to bed.
I go into next year with my head held high, fueled by all my hopes, wishes, dreams, and prayers. I'm a severely flawed individual, but damn if I'm not one of the most unique and genuine women out here. I realize I am necessary to the world. One does not run into me often. I am realizing my purpose. It took me a while, but hey. Better late than never.
It's never too late to try and do ANYTHING you want to do in this life. Let those who tell you that you're not capable, those who have no faith in you, be the catalyst for you to spring into action. After all, it was once said to my face that I'd never leave Cincinnati and be there forever with the other complacents. Over three years later, I can say the Atlanta life hasn't been an easy journey. But my goodness, it most definitely has been worth it. I think of the trials and tribulations that continue to strengthen me and I think of all of the new friends that I would've never met had I not made that one pivotal decision.
God bless you all. His wonders never cease.
Happy 2017,
-Charmin
