If you've ever followed me, read my blogs, or paid attention to me as a person, you know that I've historically wished for a relationship, love, undying commitment, marriage, children, and everything else that comes with it. Right? I was that single woman who whined openly and out loud about my unhappiness about being single and yearning always for some man out there to just please, love me. Wholeheartedly believing that at the right time that the Lord would send someone wonderful my way. Knowing for sure that I would have the pleasure and pain of giving birth to at least one child before menopause. Dreaming of domestic bliss as a mother and wife, wanting so badly what seemed to come so easily to other women.
Now? In November 2019?
It's amazing what can happen in two years' time. Although two years is only a blip on the radar in the life of a typical person, it is still seven hundred and thirty days. One hundred four weeks. In other words, a long time depending on what can transpire in that time or who you ask.
You may remember me finally getting into a relationship about two years ago. Some people were (understandably) in disbelief, but most friends and family were sweetly happy for me. But no one was happier than me, as I felt I had finally met my match. Someone to finally introduce to Dad and Mom and the rest of the family. I had to squelch the urge to post a Facebook status stating "Charmin Is No Longer The Third Wheel." Instead, I posted my relationship pictures to a plethora of likes and to the satisfaction of a new adoring boyfriend. Gloated triumphantly yet silently through my smiles at people who told me personally that I couldn't or wouldn't ever find a man. For the first time in a very long time, I could say that I was taken. And for the first time ever, I thought that I just might be married and have a child or two of my own before it was all said and done. The Lord and his timing sho' is impeccable, I thought as I entered my fourth decade of life. After all, so many women these days are becoming first-time mothers in their forties. I mentally prepared myself for the actual possibility of being proposed to, walking down an aisle in front of my family and friends, and attempting to get in shape in order to experience a healthy pregnancy one day. I happily perused through Pinterest, asked my female friends for love-marriage-baby advice, and thanked God that this was all finally happening for me.
I was feeling like CeCe Peniston. If you have to ask who she is, you're too young for me.
You may remember me jumping out of this very same relationship this past summer. July to be exact. Long story short and horrible details aside, my relationship turned out to be a complete failure. Things were much worse than I'll ever share here. It took me a little while to realize it, but I learned that I hate being controlled, hate being told what to do, and suspected of things I'd never do/think of doing. The not-so love of my life turned out to be an insecure control freak hellbent on changing the very essence of who I was/am. How disappointing. Right?
Wrong.
You see, when I finally freed myself of Mr. Wrong, I had never felt happier. I felt like that bird that Jenny in Forrest Gump asked God to become so she could fly, fly far away.
Not only did I feel happy, I felt free, proud, and very much like a new woman. I, Charmin J. Bristol, said no to bullshit. I said no to being in a relationship just to say that I was in one. And I had to thank God for giving me the strength to walk away. I would say that I was most proud of myself for holding my head up after the breakup, but I was so very proud of how I didn't let the fact that I will probably never be a wife or mother get me down.
Yeah, you heard me right. The likelihood that I will ever get married is quite low; the likelihood that I will ever give birth to a child of my own is even less. This is not my opinion. These are hard cold scientific and biological facts.
The truth is.....I'm simply not sure that marriage is for me. I mean, I'm sure dating a crazed maniac for a couple of years has contributed to my newly acquired mindset, but I'm also certain that I am too different, opinionated, free, undisciplined and headstrong for any man to want to settle down with, let alone marry. Despite all of my wonderful attributes and otherwise winning personality, I don't follow directions or orders well and don't ever care to. It works for other women; doesn't work so well for me. I've had to learn to be okay with this.
Me either Tami. Me either.
Something I've learned: relationships are very hard work. And it's like, slavery when you're in a relationship with the wrong person.
And guess what? I am so okay with this that I don't even have sufficient enough vocabulary to express how okay with it I am. Seriously, if I never get married, it's no skin off my back. And although I have a deep love for babies and children, I'm afraid I'm simply too old to go through it so late in life. Sure, society keeps reminding us that it's very much possible. But since I will probably never settle down, it's not possible for me. And if the Lord so happened to send a good one my way, I never intended on being a first-time mother in my late forties. It's simply how I didn't forecast my life ending up. I believe every word every tired parent says: it's the hardest job on earth. I don't feel like it as I did in my younger years.
My poor children, if they ever existed, would probably get a never-ending stream of "ya mama's so old" jokes.
My only regret is this silly fairy tale that's force-fed to every child, particularly girls from the time they're small. The marriage and children fairy tale. While I do understand the need of preserving the innocence of children, I feel that at some point in late childhood/early adulthood, kids should be taught that there is that possibility that one will never find a soulmate. That you possibly could go through life without being married or having children. And that there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I've often heard it said that there is someone for everyone. I simply don't believe it. I think it's just one of life's impossibilities. If it were true, wouldn't everyone in the world be coupled up?
That said, I feel like I've truly embraced the single life for the first time, ever. No, there isn't a man by my side, but I stand pretty well alone. A man doesn't and never has defined who I am. Where I allowed myself to be depressed in the past about being lonely, I absolutely savor having my apartment and my life alllllllllll to myself. It's a helluva golden feeling, not sharing my space with an undesirable. I think the best part of all is having my bed back to myself. I want this feeling to last forever; not having to share, not having to please, not having to change or adjust anything about my life, the way it is now. I promise, it's so wonderful. I'm so happy.
The old Charmin would fret and worry if there's the right man out there for her. The new Charmin simply doesn't care. The new Charmin sees a bright future ahead of herself, although single as a Pringle. Enjoying her new job, hanging out with her family and friends, checking out the jazz clubs, experiencing new restaurants, dabbling in painting her own masterpieces, thinking about her balcony garden, and where she's traveling for her birthday next year. Without anyone's opinion or worthless two cents. I've joked about going into old maidhood and visiting the SCPA to start my cat collection, but I think it will be a very vibrant and fulfilling life for me.
I'm not saying no to love or a relationship in the future. I just don't expect it any time soon. Or later. Or ever. Maybe I'll be proven wrong. Or maybe, I'll die a really old happy single lady.
Me, myself, and I. What a beautiful sentence. One has to be completely in love with his or herself to embrace it. I would encourage anyone struggling with their single status to take a few moments to imagine themselves in the worst relationship possible. Sometimes, only after you've been with a person you can't bear to be in the same space with, can you truly appreciate solitude. Cry and feel how you need to feel, but embrace yourself. The end of a relationship is almost always never easy, but you must look to the future: even if you're standing alone in the vision of it. One's single status is so far from the negative connotations attached to it. It's definitely what you make of it and I intend on making the absolute best of my singlehood. And oh yeah. STOP caring about what others are saying and thinking about you. It's one of the most self-destructive behaviors you can engage in. I had to stop caring about others' opinions of me. Are any of them the assigned maker I'm meeting after I leave this earth? No. Are half of them in half-assed, together-only-because-of-the-kids, unfulfilling struggle relationships themselves? Yes. So why care? I don't. And I'm better off for it. You must reject the notion that "something must be wrong with you" if you don't have a significant other.
Okay, I think it's all I had to say for now. I do plan on blogging a lot more in the future.
Love, Charmin
