Maybe blogging isn't what I should do when I feel so down and out. But I have to get my feelings out somehow. To whoever isn't blinded for hate and/or disgust with me, whoever who will listen, whoever will have some type of empathy, sympathy, or compassion that I am just so tired of this life.
No, I am not suicidal: I'm not so tired of life that I would ever end it all, but giving up seems like a relief, a respite, and a haven for my clearly broken spirit. To not care is not to worry. Not to worry, is being happy. At least that's what the formula equates in my mixed up mind.
Lately, I just don't know what will become of me or my life. I just don't know. It seems the harder I try to get on track, the harder I fall of the track. Hell, it feels like the track is falling on me.
I have always been an honest person. In fact, too honest. I just wish sometimes that I had no heart, no feelings. Life would be so much easier. I wish I didn't care at all, because I care too much. If I didn't care so much, perhaps I wouldn't hurt so bad.
Is it possible to be unhappy about every aspect of your life while still be thankful for the life you do have? I think so. Although I feel like my life is a boring hollow shell of no purpose or significance whatever, it could be a whole lot worse. I think I am just depressed from the resulting stressors of my life. Like, why can't I do better. I want to do better, but it seems impossible sometimes. What's worse is that I know people who are supposedly close to me, dismiss me as immature, irresponsible, too emotional, too opinionated, too outspoken, etc. As I write this, I stumbled onto this Bible verse that sums it up:
2 Corinthians 6:6-10
New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)
6 in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; 7 in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; 8 through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; 9 known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; 10 sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.
Astonishing! I have absolutely NOTHING: almost twelve years at the same exact job with just about NOTHING to show for it. NO man, haven't had a man to call my own in nearly a decade. I would die for a man who wasn't ashamed to love me and be with me and seen with me, who accepts me for who I am. Let alone ever having had a relationship, ever, that I could be proud of or introduce to my family. I have NO beautiful children, a legacy to call my own. Every day I daydream about holding and loving babies of my very own, no matter how much I say I don't want the challenge of children. I don't have a huge circle of friends. I have no financial savvy. Barely making it due especially to life's unexpected or rather, expensive trials, and people wonder why, as if I live in a college degree possessing two-income household. Although I think I have nothing, I am truly learning what it means to expect suffering as a Christian. In the end, somehow, I'm going to be a stronger, better person. I think this is why I still have faith in God.
That said, I am slowly coming to the realization that I have EVERYTHING. I HAVE had the same job for over a decade, I have my health, all my five senses, a roof over my head, although most other people would suffocate in a cozy apartment the size of mine. I have all of my extremities and they're all in fine working order. The Lord allows me to swing my legs over the edge of my bed and get up to start another day. Better than that, He allows me to live a new life and gives me a new opportunity to start over at the beginning of the next day after a night of sleep, or no sleep. I have a wonderful family, although they may not like me all of the time and I often feel like the out-of-place black sheep. There have been times that I've wondered if I'm going to make it at all but the Lord has pulled me through every rough time. I feel like kicking my very own backside for not having more faith sometimes. I'm not sure if it's my own human ignorance/stupidity or Satan very hard at work. Either way, I'm making a concerted effort to have the strongest faith possible, water-tight and immune from fear, worrying, and uncertainty.
In closing, I hope you pray for me as I would pray for you. Perhaps someone else who gets depressed about the inevitable stresses of life, or the undesirable path their life has taken, will take something from my words and not only relate to me, but most of all, partake of the truth, yet the sheer goodness and the comfort of the Bible verses from Second Corinthians that I included. Through my sorrow, I am also very rejoiceful. Although I have many, many tears of disappointment, I am also happy for who I am. I've been beaten, but I'm still here. We must have faith. We must trust in GOD. I do, at least really working on it, and I hope you are too.
Astonishing! I have absolutely NOTHING: almost twelve years at the same exact job with just about NOTHING to show for it. NO man, haven't had a man to call my own in nearly a decade. I would die for a man who wasn't ashamed to love me and be with me and seen with me, who accepts me for who I am. Let alone ever having had a relationship, ever, that I could be proud of or introduce to my family. I have NO beautiful children, a legacy to call my own. Every day I daydream about holding and loving babies of my very own, no matter how much I say I don't want the challenge of children. I don't have a huge circle of friends. I have no financial savvy. Barely making it due especially to life's unexpected or rather, expensive trials, and people wonder why, as if I live in a college degree possessing two-income household. Although I think I have nothing, I am truly learning what it means to expect suffering as a Christian. In the end, somehow, I'm going to be a stronger, better person. I think this is why I still have faith in God.
That said, I am slowly coming to the realization that I have EVERYTHING. I HAVE had the same job for over a decade, I have my health, all my five senses, a roof over my head, although most other people would suffocate in a cozy apartment the size of mine. I have all of my extremities and they're all in fine working order. The Lord allows me to swing my legs over the edge of my bed and get up to start another day. Better than that, He allows me to live a new life and gives me a new opportunity to start over at the beginning of the next day after a night of sleep, or no sleep. I have a wonderful family, although they may not like me all of the time and I often feel like the out-of-place black sheep. There have been times that I've wondered if I'm going to make it at all but the Lord has pulled me through every rough time. I feel like kicking my very own backside for not having more faith sometimes. I'm not sure if it's my own human ignorance/stupidity or Satan very hard at work. Either way, I'm making a concerted effort to have the strongest faith possible, water-tight and immune from fear, worrying, and uncertainty.
In closing, I hope you pray for me as I would pray for you. Perhaps someone else who gets depressed about the inevitable stresses of life, or the undesirable path their life has taken, will take something from my words and not only relate to me, but most of all, partake of the truth, yet the sheer goodness and the comfort of the Bible verses from Second Corinthians that I included. Through my sorrow, I am also very rejoiceful. Although I have many, many tears of disappointment, I am also happy for who I am. I've been beaten, but I'm still here. We must have faith. We must trust in GOD. I do, at least really working on it, and I hope you are too.
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