Dear future boyfriend/husband/father of my children,
Oh darling of mine. It is now a week into the new year. 2013. Yet another year without you by my side, wondering obsessively where you are. Sometimes I wonder if I know you already or if we have yet to meet. The prospect might be kind of exciting if I weren't already so single and lonely. Screw it. There may be some out there that would never admit this tidbit of information about themselves, but unfortunately I was born without the ability to lie freely and make white lie telling normalcy. You have one honest woman on your hands, lies have never felt good in my mouth. One thing that I hope you will come to love about me is that I always rely on the truth, no matter how ugly or unpleasant it will be. Why lie about it? I've been single for a long time and most of the time, I really haven't liked/embraced it. Sometimes I wonder if I will be single for the rest of my life, but to allow myself to think this is to bring on certain depression. By the time you read this, you will already know me enough to know that I'm simply a good woman hungry for love, attention, and affection. After years of people telling me that I must be patient and that you're going to arrive in my life when I least expect it, I am really, really, really tired of the single life. I mean, don't get me wrong. I enjoy my solitude and know that my life has more peace than most folks can say theirs has. But as anyone like me knows, the sound of silence all the time can be deafening after a while.
Anyway, I pine daily for you. Yearning about you which I don't know anything about. It makes me smile and my heart flutter with happiness when I think about how much joy and happiness you will bring to my life. Best of all, I know you will be God sent. Impatient as I am, I am trying my very best to wait for you when the Lord feels the time will be right. As much as I want you in my daily life, for some reason that the Lord knows and I don't, I am not ready for you quite yet. As much as I need hugs and kisses and good conversations and support in my life, He knows that there are things I must accomplish within my life before he sends you my way. What those things are, I have no idea. It took me forever to realize that I'm not in a rat race with all the world's other women to get hitched. So for once, I'm not looking for any one equation or goal to complete in my life and expecting you and your love in exchange. Once upon a time, I thought I'd have to be some sort of fucking demanding bitch or at least come off that way for a good guy like to pay attention to me. After all, I seem to be surrounded by those types of control freak women who thrive to tell everyone else to do, including an adoring man. But with me, you'll never have to deal with that, in addition to me just wanting to do all I can to make you happy. I have sat in wonderment and wonder how these types of women are able to gain and keep a man. And I've sat in even bigger wonderment of why someone so sweet and caring and non-confrontational as myself have continued to go without all these years. However, in my growing wisdom, I know that GOD is saving me for you :) and I tell you as I type this, it just makes me feel so good inside.
I often wonder everything about you, although I don't know you. Again, I wonder if you're closer to me than I'll ever realize or if you live far away. I wonder who your favorite football team is, what your favorite books and movies are, your favorite meals. Are you more on the goofy or serious side? Are you tall, short, average, muscular, or do you have a little more to love? Are you dark skinned, brown skinned, or light skinned? Or are you white? Hispanic? Asian? It is weird to be in love with a person you don't know, but I know already that I'll love everything about you. I can't wait to do all those girlfriend-ish-fiancee-wife type of things for you. I can't wait to sit in a restaurant and be in a good conversation with you well after we've finished eating. I so look forward to all the traveling and trips we'll take together. I even look forward to the times that may not be so good. Let's say you had a bad day at work. Only if you wanted to, we would talk about it, or I would just leave you alone. All I know that I would want to do is start whipping up your favorite dinner or start rubbing your feet if you do decide to talk to me about it. That is, not without cracking a beer or pouring a stiff one for you first.
Are you in a relationship right now? Did you just get out of one? Me not knowing you yet, is hoping that you've never been married or never had kids, but then again, I am not aware of how truly wonderful you are yet. Allow me to have a selfish moment, I really do hope you have no children or ex-wives, that way I can love you fully and you can love me fully without any interruptions. I know it's far-fetched in this day and age of babymamas and babydaddies, but I want to be the one to have your first child so that we can share that experience together. But do keep in mind that if you have children, I would accept them as you have accepted me. And please forgive me for having been scarred from dating guys with kids. Unfortunately, I know all too well the feeling of being put on the backburner for children and situations with their mothers. Quite honestly, I feel like those are situations too complicated and messy for a nice woman like me to deal with, if I'm not receiving some serious love and respect in return. I've tried to be a bigger person and understand or "go along with it," but I know what I want and know what I deserve. People seem to hate me for this, but their opinions don't and never will matter, especially after I know you, my future husband, understands respects me for it.
Thanks to the societal expectations that have been pounded into my (and others') heads and every person I know settling down and/or getting married, I find myself panicking on the verge of 35 years old. You may already know (or may not) that society certainly does have their stereotypes about us women that are in our thirties without a man or children to call our own! I've been told that I'm too picky and some folks even have the nerve to get agitated when I speak of wanting to get with the right person. As if I should be just so happy living the single life, forever. I even think some people are happy that I don't have a good person in my life and even worse, there are some that feel like I don't deserve a good caring man in my life, simply because of who I am, simply because of my personality. Which I feel isn't that bad at all, given that quite a few of us have more than a few flaws. Sometimes I feel like I'm a little to nice to people and sometimes this is why I think I haven't found you, or someone like you. There was a book I was tempted to read called Why Men Love Bitches, which I gather the premise is that men love strong aggressive women that don't allow themselves to be doormats, but when all was said and done, I don't want to be a bitch. I've never been a bitch. I can definitely be a bitch, but a bitch is not who I am and who I will be. I would want my for man to love me because I'm a gentle, caring, compassionate type of woman full of laughter and sweetness. And who still refuses to be a doormat. THAT is sometimes why I feel like I don't have a special man like you in my life currently. Once guys realize that I'm not a plaything or have the game run on them, they disappear, not willing to handle the challenge of me. And that is why I can, but why I can't wait for you. I know that you won't back down from me when I gently demand my respect. A real man. I am trying so hard to sit quietly, trust in God, and wait for you. I'm trying my very best to become a better woman so that when I do finally run into you, I'll be all you ever dreamed of. We'll both feel we've hit the jackpot.
Please future husband, forgive me in advance. Because once you're in my life, I think quite some time will be spent crying in happy disbelief. I will probably just cling to you and sob my eyes out. I'm quite the sensitive one, but I'm sure the surprise will hit me much like a brick thrown at my head. I will be so happy, so thankful. I will be on my knees thanking God for finally bringing you into my life, whenever that will be. And I am on my knees now, thanking Him for not bringing you into my life sooner than He sees fit.
Maybe this will be the first of a few letters to you. It felt good to talk to you honey!
Love Always, Charmin
No comments:
Post a Comment