39 and never been loved....and I hate your advice.

I can't follow society's rules; was never made nor meant to act as others act. If you tell me to do something because everyone else is doing it, chances are that I will break my neck in an attempt to do it differently from everyone else. It is just the way I was made.

I want love. Unrelenting, unfailing romantic love. That kind of love where my man is always happily showing me off. That kind of love where he is just always gazing at me with obvious happiness dancing in his eyes and in his heart. The guy who appreciated that I can be listening to harp concertos, jazz, or gospel one moment and Outkast, Three 6 Mafia and Wu-Tang the next. That man who is not so easily annoyed by me and my quirks. He would be so into me that he'd want nothing more than for me to be all up under him and appreciate the fact that it's where I want to be. I would rather have this type of love and acceptance than millions in the bank.

I hate how people expect me to act all cold and aloof, as if I shouldn't want or desire it. But lo and behold, I am but a simple flesh and blood woman who desires monogamous male companionship. I can no longer fake the funk just because I fear what people may say. I've always prided myself on being the most real and true individual I can be. I'm not here to placate others or say what they want to hear.

I honestly can't tell you why it hasn't happened for me. I am a phenomenal woman. If I went into the reasons why, I'd be typing all night. I'm not at all conceited. Just humble with self-esteem high enough to know I'm worthy of the best love any good man has to give. I am also aware of my flaws and shortcomings because I keep it real. I could go into the single man shortage, but that's pointless and another argument altogether. 

Love. I have never felt it before. At least not romantic love. There have been at least two times in the past where I thought I was in love. However, the love wasn't returned, as I didn't fit whatever mold society demands us black ladies fit. So, I don't consider myself ever having been in love because it's never been reciprocal. Despite my deep approval of myself, I just don't look like what the average black man wants on his arm. To some of the men out here, I don't have enough education (although soon this will change). To other men, I'm not slender enough. To a certain type of man, I'm just good enough for a good time. I have so much love to give; an overabundance. All I've ever wanted to do is be the reason a man wakes up in the morning; his sole reason for laughing and smiling and doing the right thing.

Never has any man living made a concerted effort to lock me down and make me his. 

Truly, I know what it is to be eternally single. Fuck fat shaming, short shaming. There's nothing quite uniquely stinging like the stigma attached to a woman of nearly 40, unattached without children. You may believe some of the things people have said to me, although it doesn't make it any more polite or thoughtful.

"That's why you ain't got no man." This is usually said with the intent of throwing salt into a wound, I guess. That sentence implies that whatever I said or did that someone didn't like, usually culminates into this. Despite many women saying or doing much worse than I do having boyfriends and husbands. It's meant to make me feel bad about myself, but I never do.

"Maybe if you changed your appearance." Really? Sorry, not sorry that you disapprove of my appearance, but I actually happen to love how I look. A lot. If a man is into me only because I'm wearing the latest fashions and in the salon once a week, perhaps he's not for me.

And of course, all of the same regurgitated advice that I hear like a broken record. I do believe most people mean well when they say it, but my goodness, it gets so tired and old. I hate hearing:

"It's going to happen for you one day." I've been hearing it for the last 20 years. Mmm hmm. I wonder if I'll be hearing the same line right before I turn fifty.

"You're way too picky." Yes, by all means, bring me a handsome yet emotionally unavailable man with four kids by five different mothers and a tendency to step out and spend time with a side piece. That'll make life so much better and pleasant for me. At least I'll be able to say I have a man, right?

"If you keep looking, you're never going to find it." Now this one actually drives me crazy because I'm almost always never looking for it. It's assumed by most that I'm actively looking. I'm the type who wants to be found, discovered by a good guy. He who finds a wife finds a good thing, right? I'm old-fashioned and would rather be pursued by a man who's into the gender role-reversal that's so prevalent these days. I hate it when people presume that I'm so pressed for a relationship that I am looking at all men like a sailor through a periscope.

Yes, I know, I know. People are just being nice and encouraging.

People have incorrectly assumed that I want a relationship solely because others are in a relationship. Never that. I want it because it's what I want. It's something I want for myself because I've been single for so long. It's something I'd want even if everyone else in the world were single.

One of the things I hate most about being single is lack of physical contact. What woman/human doesn't want hugs, kisses, cuddles and sex all of the time? More than that, I simply find myself yearning for my back to be rubbed and caressed gently with love and support. Somehow, that seems to be one of the ultimate forms of meaningful and impactful affection to me. It would mean so much and feel so good to have a strong male hand touch my back to reassure me through these stressful times that I have to endure alone. A supportive cheerleader helping me out emotionally after stressful days of work and the impending start of college.

But day after day, year after year, I go without affection.

Without love.

I'd be lying, if I told you I weren't a little bitter as a result. Because I am. I know for a certain fact that I'd be a better person if I were loved. Life would be much more tolerable, nor would I be the object of anyone's pity. I need a good man to smooth out the rough edges I've acquired as a result of being single for so long. As much as I desire to be someone's rib, I've had no choice in my life but to be independent. It also sure would be nice to be a little dependent on a good man from time to time too. Someone to help me carry my heavy groceries up three flights of stairs for once. Someone who can tell me what's wrong with my car when it acts up. Someone who would be proud and happy and feel manly helping me knock out this rent and all of the other expenses of life. Someone I can call when I'm in trouble and would drop everything to help me out. That man who can make me laugh if I cry or otherwise had a bad day. The man who can have an argument with me and not hold a grudge and still want to be by my side regardless. That man who would binge-watch Queen Sugar with me before I watch sports with him. That guy who will wake me up early on Sunday morning so we can go to church together and enjoy dinner and a movie afterward, full of laughs and good times.

That, to me, would be love. The kind I unashamedly ask for.

Maybe God will send me someone that I won't have to chase. Someone who will find me such a delightful catch that they would prevent any other man from laying claim to me. As much as my faith is low when it comes to me finding love, my faith is indeed the size of a mustard seed. A tinier-than-usual mustard seed, but a mustard seed nevertheless. I have become more than impatient with the Lord's timing. But that's between He and I.

Pray that love finds me because I'm so tired of being single. I don't want to do it anymore. It's tiresome and lonely. No amount going out with friends and family and socializing will ever change how I feel, the deep void I feel inside. I promise if a guy loves me, I'll do whatever humanly possible to make him happy. Maybe one day I'll have the pleasure of writing about how it feels to truly fall in love for the first time and experience the raw beauty and splendor of it all.

I promise.


-Charmin